I literally am so Africa-sick today. like I can’t concentrate on anything. all I can think about is being near the waterfall painting with sebastian, drinking a cup or five of rooibos in the library with my rivlife team, playing with monet practically every afternoon, waking up to cole getting in trouble with his mom, letting guanda climb all over me, smelling like baby pee all of the time, having dance parties, WORSHIPING, that one time I stayed in the conference room by myself for three hours and blasted worship music with no one around, the silence of safari only broken by the sound of the truck beneath us and the clicks of our cameras, swimming in the Indian Ocean or just running on the beach, talking and praying with bethany or mer or D all night long, the feelings I had when I got to the top of a tree and no one was around to see me conquer it but God, chasing zebras, eating zulu bread, and just waking up with the incredible feeling of I’m in Africa, and today is going to be an adventure. I miss it. I miss all of it. I feel sad. but I am so happy.
then I walked.
I didn’t make it back there.
it’s too far.
but God is the same with me here as He was there.
I am a post-africa version of Teagan. just saw a photo of a boy I thought I’d marry last year and realized it was small and scared thinking. thanks God.
sometimes I think about africa and cannot believe that it’s just over. everything went by so fast. this evening I was baking in my kitchen and had a flashback to sneaking into the one at AE and making grilled cheese sandwiches at midnight, and I just got nostalgic and wanted to cry. I miss it all the time. I miss it all the time. I miss it all the time.
the beginning of my reflection on africa at the start of break was wrought with a lot of sadness and anger, especially at my leaving of that beautiful continent, but more so with strong emotion towards my own culture. I kept asking God why He brought me back and what His purpose was in letting that season in my life end as quickly as it came. my whole heart for so long has been broken for the ways things are broken across the globe, especially there, and to be ripped out of that in what seemed such an abrupt way caused me actual grief. “I think about africa all of the time, and it’s all I want to talk about,” I’ve told people. and that is true. however, circumstances over the past week are so are igniting little sparks in me for this country, and especially california, where I find myself until God gives me further notice. being around the American church makes me upset, but I think now is the time God is giving me to be the change I want to see. I have a passionate desire to see my generation burn with love of God, and nothing else, and to spread His Word through the nations. this is why He has brought me back. I do not know when I will be allowed to go back, to return, but I am definitely here now. there is no reason why I cannot allow africa to change the way I do things, and maybe in that God can begin to change the way the American church functions. I know I’m just one person, but I’m one person with God, and God can do a lot through the willing. the cool thing is, I’m not the only one.
I’m excited to be a part of something larger than me. so often I get caught up in my own adventures, but the truth is that God’s adventure gives me mine. if He desires me to serve here until the end of my time in college, and even after, I will do so. joyfully.
HIS KINGDOM COME.
I miss africa. I haven’t even been able to talk about it properly. I just tear up right away. I don’t know how to write about it, either. it’s too big for any of those things.